My Boudoir - A Work In Progress

Other than a handful of posts, I've been mostly MIA for a few months. I'm sure you're wondering what your Goddess has been up to lately. Part of My posting hiatus has been due to My civilian job. The busiest time of year is the run-up to the holidays and for a couple of weeks afterward. From mid-October to mid-January, My schedule consists mainly of eating, sleeping, and working. All the overtime is great for My finances, but plays havoc with everything else.

This season, however, is a bit different. A couple of years ago, I relocated from sunny southern California to the Hell on Earth that is the Midwest in order to be closer to and help care for aging relatives. Snow is evil, people. E.V. I. L. I miss the beach.

Anywho...

The house I live in was built in the 1950s and I'm pretty sure the decor hasn't been updated since the 1970s. The previous owner of the house was a college sports fanatic and had the brilliant idea to decorate the house in the colors of his and his wife's favorite teams, with each room dedicated to a different school. Talk about hideous color schemes. Blech!!! It needs a lot of work to bring it up to My exacting standards.

This is what My bedroom looked like when I moved in:

How heinous is that? It's not as obvious in the photo as when you were actually standing in the room, but that yellow had a putrid green undertone that made it the same color as baby shit. I finally got so sick of it that I was going to stab someone in the eye if I had to look at it for another minute. So what little spare time I have has been dedicated to redecorating.

So far, I've repainted and ordered new curtains but I'm nowhere near finished. I'm replacing everything from the light fixture to the hardware on the door. I'd love to replace the flooring too but that job is a bit out of My league. I'll have to make do with a couple of area rugs until I can hire someone. I'm even considering upgrading My bed frame although I haven't decided what style I want yet. I could pay for all the updates Myself, but why should I? That's what you're for.

I know your man meat twitched just now as you imagined My luscious body reclining in a fancy new bed. Just think how much more exciting it would be to know that you contributed to My comfort. Imagine Me slipping into some silky lingerie and then sliding between a pair of downy soft sheets paid for by you. That sounds amazing, doesn't it? Well, it can happen. All you have to do is contribute to My boudoir fund. It's easy. Just head over to My tribute page and click a button. Click more than one. The more you spend, the better you feel. I also accept Amazon gift cards. Send them to kirielember(at)gmail(dot)com. I know you want to please Me and this is one of the many ways I've so generously provided for you. Now hurry up and please Me again.

Happy Birthday To Me!

It's My birthday. Good little piggies can start the New Year right by sending Me a gift from the special birthday wish list of things I most desire. There's nothing quite like knowing you've served your Goddess. Imagine the special feeling you'll get just from knowing you've pleased Me and put a smile on My face. If you're very good, I might even create a video of Me wearing or using your gift as a thank you.

The best piggies send Me gifts and tributes all year long.

Pardon The Mess

A couple of days ago I decided to overhaul the look of My blog. The previous template was pretty, but it was also old enough that it didn't come with social media integration. Although I was able to get around that by adding widgets to the sidebar, they looked clunky. The menu was also a bit messy and hard to read.

I've tried Wordpress in the past and it has some nice features, but I really don't like the back-end UI. Also, WP is even more prickly about blogs with "adult" content than Google, which is bad enough as it is. Maybe one of these days I'll decide it's worthwhile to shell out for a full website including a Wordpress-based blog, but today is not that day.

To be honest, I shouldn't have to spend anything. Paypigs should be doing that. Make yourself useful and send a tribute. Better yet, adopt My internet bill. We both know your existence is meaningless unless you're working to please your Goddess and make Her life easier. So get to it!

Anyway, I decided it would be easiest to just update the template for this blog. (Okay, you can stop laughing now.)

I set up this blog years ago. YEARS. I forgot how much of a pain in the ass it is unless I want to use the default settings for everything. As if that weren't enough, I'm also working on creating My own heading banner because I don't like any of the pre-made banners I've found. Photoshop, ftw!

So now I get to spend the next eleventy billion hours elbow-deep in code and pixel art. Excuse Me while I go find a container for My joy. #firstworldproblems

I deserve gifts to ease My burden. Send Me something.

Just A Little Foodporn

For your viewing pleasure.

I drove up to the city for lunch with My bestie today. We decided Panera sounded good.

I don't take a lot of selfies, but I look too damn fine today to miss this opportunity.

Red matte lip to match My blouse

Get down on your knees and give thanks for My existence. Show your gratitude with a tribute. Want to know how you can pay for My dates and send Me clothes, lipstick or other gifts? Read all about how to serve Me here. I give extra rewards to good little pets who fund My lifestyle.

Slowly Recuperating

I have been sick for over two weeks.

It sucks. Big time.

Get your flu shots, people, because this is the worst. My doctor's office wasn't able to get enough supplies so I couldn't get Mine this year and I am deeply regretting not trying to find another place to get one. I figured, since I work from home, that My risk was low and I could probably get away with skipping it.

Nope.

I've been either in bed or, on really good days, on the couch for most of the time I've been sick. Bless My roommate for being willing to bring Me soup and NyQuil when he's home and keep me stocked up on tissues.

Last night, I was finally feeling well enough to live tweet The Flash and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Today, I'm managing this blog post. Go Me! With any luck, I'll be able to take calls on NiteFlirt again very soon.

Of course, you always have the option to call My ignore line. I'm happy to drain your wallet at any time of the day or night while you listen to My congested snoring. It's all you deserve anyway. Or, you can make yourself useful by sending Me cash and gifts to brighten My day.

Whichever method you decide to use, you should get to tributing right now. Hurry up, meat puppets. I know you have a desperate need to feel that paper sliding through your fingers. That tiny trouser worm of yours is quivering with anticipation already.

Just do it.

Spoil your Goddess This Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is fast approaching. Chocolate and flowers are passe. If you've been wracking your puny little brain to come up with the perfect gift for Me - and you should be - fret no more. I've made it so easy even a pathetic loser like you can manage.

Here's a link to My special Valentine's Day Wish List. I expect you to pay for express shipping to guarantee I have all of My gifts on time.

My Valentine's Day Wish List

If all of the items on that list sell out, you can still send a gift from one of My other lists. I also accept Amazon gift cards via email.

Cuckolds, I expect you to pay for My Valentine's Day date night activities. Send Me cold, hard cash via NiteFlirt by clicking on any of the buttons on My tribute page. If you please Me, I might deign to post a photo or two from My date and allow you to live vicariously.

Get to clicking, minions. It's your sacred duty to spoil your Goddess, so hop to it. Chop, chop!

Wish List Wednesday

Why should I bother spending My money on a Powerball ticket when I have thirsty little piggies like you to buy Me things? (Not that I'd spend My money, when I could spend yours, of course.)

Since I've decided to take up yoga this year, I need clothes that will allow Me to bend and stretch while still looking like the Goddess I am. It's your job to make My life more comfortable. I've added these pretty yoga pants to My clothing wishlist on Amazon. There's a link to it as well as all My other wishlists on My gift page. I also accept Amazon gift cards and cash tributes, so there's no excuse for failure.

Clicky clicky, minions.

Not The Domme You're Looking For

Too many men have preconceived ideas about what a dominant woman is or should be. Usually, they infest My messages on various social media sites, sniveling for My attention without ever sparing a thought for what I want or how they can serve Me. I am not here for your entertainment. I am not here to cater to your fetishes. Get those silly notions out of your head.

• If you want an Amazon who is all "She-Hulk smash puny men, RAWR!" - I am not the Domme you're looking for.
• If you expect a stone bitch who constantly tells you how weak and pathetic you are - I am not the Domme you're looking for.
• If you're looking for an aloof and distant goddess to worship while she gazes at you from on high with nothing but disdain for your worthless existence - I am not the Domme you're looking for.
• If you need a gum-popping sorority brat to give you the finger and tell you what a loser you are so you can relive your high school inadequacies - I am not the Domme you're looking for.
• If you desire a high-maintenance snob who spends more time on her appearance than it takes for George R. R. Martin to finish writing a book - I am not the Domme you're looking for.

Make no mistake - there will be moments when I embody each of those archetypes, but don't think for a minute you can pigeon-hole Me or safely relegate Me to a category that makes you comfortable. I am so much more complex than anything you could conceive of in your porn-fueled fantasies.

If you want to serve Me, you need to think about how to please Me, not your assumptions and expectations of Me.

30 Days of Kink - Day 17

What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

There are a couple of misconceptions that go hand-in-hand that need to die in a fire. The first is that kinky people are in any way more open-minded, tolerant, accepting, enlightened, or [insert adjective of choice] than anyone else. We're not.

Kinky people come from all walks of life. We can be religious or not, conservative or liberal, sweet-tempered or bitchy, or any combination of traits you can think of. The kink subculture is as rife with arrogant dipshits who couldn't find their asshole with both hands and a flashlight as the rest of the world. There are also just as many brilliant, creative, and generous people in the kink scene as there are anywhere else. Being kinky is not a badge of honor; it's just like any other hobby. Some people are hardcore fans, others are more casual about it, and others (the "vanillas") don't care about it at all.

Why is this important? Because it means kinky women are just like other women. Say it again for the people in the back.

Kinky women are just like other women.

Oh, you thought just because a woman was kinky it meant she was "easy" or that she would automatically be interested in your wank fantasies? Bwahahahaha! No. 

Here's the thing people, especially kinky men, need to understand: Your pathetic little dick is not special. You are not special. If you are not making time with vanilla women, being kinky is not going to improve your odds. If anything, it will lower your chances because men are statistically more likely to develop sexual fetishes than women. 

Of the women who are kinky, more of them are likely to be submissive than dominant because the patriarchal society we live in tells women their "natural place" is to be submissive. Which is complete bullshit, but most women can't or won't overcome their cultural programming. Not that I'm trying to diss submissive women in any way. I'm not. I completely support a woman's right to make her own choices and do whatever makes her happy and fulfilled, but the bottom line is that dominant women are in shorter supply than submissive ones.

Let that sink in for a minute. There are fewer kinky women than kinky men. There are even fewer dominant women. For every dominant woman, there are probably ten men who claim to be submissive vying for her attention. Dominant women like Me can afford to be picky because we know we're in short supply and our time is a hot commodity.

Now you start to understand why you have to bring your A-game to the table when you're trying to find the dominant woman of your fantasies. It's not about you, it's about her. You have to put her wants and needs before your own Every. Single. Time. If you are truly submissive, then you have to devote yourself to a life of service. Most of you don't have what it takes because you're just selfish, entitled assholes who want to bottom long enough to get your dick wet and then you're done. 

And now you also understand why women require tributes or charge for sessions. Because most guys don't even have an A-game. You've barely got a C-game. 

30 Days of Kink - Day 14

How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?

Real life kink looks a lot more vanilla than most people realize. Bills still have to get paid, the house/apartment still has to be cleaned, laundry has to be done, and kinky people are still humans who get sick or have bad days or are just too tired to play sometimes. Real life kink has nothing to do with a sub being locked naked in a cage 24/7 except when taken out to provide sexual service.

Porn videos, books like the 50 Shades trilogy, and other fantasy-based masturbatory materials are not realistic in any way, shape, or form but that's what a lot of submissive men expect. Some spend their lives trying to find someone to provide them with the carefully staged fantasies they've seen in porn, and they will always be disappointed. They will flounder from one partner to another, forever trying to recreate what they've seen or read about, but real life never measures up.

Those guys never seem to realize that what they want is what a professional dominatrix gets paid to provide and that real women have needs, desires, and goals that must be met before the kinky sex happens. Face it, guys, nothing in life is free and you're going to have to pay to ride this ride. Either you're going to pay in time, attention, and being a supportive partner who actually cares about a dominant woman's needs before your own or else you're going to pay in cold, hard cash. Figure out which form of payment you prefer and get comfortable with it.

That Moment When...

...a sub fills out My application perfectly and submits it with an appropriate tribute.

Think you have what it takes to become My slave? Take the first step by downloading My application:

Wordless Wednesday

Bitch, please...

Stupid wanker thinks he can get My attention with this? Bitch, please...My morning coffee costs more than this.

Holiday Blog Hiatus

The holidays are a busy time of year for Me. I typically travel to visit My grandparents and other family in the Midwest. I also have multiple parties to attend. Suffice it to say, I won't have time to entertain you losers with blog posts.

That doesn't mean you get to stop tributing though. Far from it! If anything, you should be sending Me even more gifts. I deserve presents and you're going to buy them for Me.

Don't worry, I've made so easy even a pathetic little worm like you can do it. Just buy something from one of My wishlists. Easy peasy. Can't decide what to get Me? I like gift cards and cold, hard cash too. Use one of the buttons on My tribute page or use My contact form to send Me codes for Amazon gift cards and Greendot MoneyPaks.

Know what else makes an awesome gift? Pay My bills. Why should I have to waste My valuable time slaving away at a mundane job? That's what you're for. Go adopt one or more of My monthly bills right now so I can focus on what's really important - ME!

Unimpressed

Unimpressed corgi is unimpressed with your tributes. Do better, piggies.

Thank You Post

K. and D. made My day. Check it out...presents!

Of course, it's nothing more than I deserve. Have you tributed your Goddess lately? Why not? Send Me Amazon gift cards, or just send your cold, hard cash. Either works.

Thank You Post

She lives!

Sort of. I'm still sick - stuffy nose, coughing, tire easily, etc., but I'm slowly recovering. I want to thank everyone who sent Me get-well messages and gifts. Especially, B., who bought Me a couple of books to read while I'm laying in bed. Definitely better than flowers.

Alas, my illness resulted in losing my voice. Right now, I can barely speak above a whisper and my voice is squeaky at best. My friend T. says I sound like a mouse on steroids and has decided "Mouse" will be my new nickname. S'cuse me while I go find a container for my joy.

I'm drinking lots of hot tea with honey, gargling with salt water, and using every other remedy I can think of to repair My voice faster. This sucks. Of course, more presents and tributes would help. Get clicking, piggies.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 25

Makes me smile

I got presents in the mail. Woo hoo! Gifts always make Me smile.

I know you want the privilege of making Me smile too. Well, I've made it easy for you to send Me a gift from any of My wishlists. Know what else makes Me smile? Money. Lots of it. Send Me a tribute. Just remember, size does matter.

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 22

Favorite food

My all-time favorite food is Godiva dark chocolate truffles, but all dark chocolate is divine.

As My devoted minion, it's your job to keep Me supplied with chocolate and other goodies. Get out that wallet and start tributing. Chop, chop!

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 20

Water
 
I don't get to the pool nearly as often as I'd like. As you can tell by how pale I am in mid-July. I blame My Celtic ancestors for how easily I burn.

Kiriel at the pool

I expect you to facilitate My poolside lounging. So get tributing, minions. Better yet, adopt My bills so I even more time to work on My tan.